Watch Out for Lions (or How to Pee on Safari)

One of my concerns about going on safari was the toilet situation. [If this is TMI, too much information, then stop reading now.]

When reading about safaris, no one seems to mention it. Why is this? I do not have the bladder of a camel. I like to stay hydrated and did not want to go four or five hours without drinking water. Especially in the hot dusty “bush” of the game park. I asked my friend who has been on many safaris about the peeing situation when on a game drive (these are usually from 5 am to 9 am) and again from 3 pm till dark. She said that they squat somewhere behind a bush… and watch out for lions…

A few weeks before going on safari, I was chatting with a colleague and it turned out that he had once owned a safari company. I asked him if they put up a “privacy tent” for the ladies when they needed to use the bathroom on the game drives. He said no. Usually, they recommended finding a bush… and watching out for lions…

I told him that I would be marking the vehicle, peeing right against a wheel. No wandering off to find a bush for me!

Some suggested that I use a Shewee (a funnel that allows a woman to stand while urinating). I would still have to get out of the vehicle… and watch out for lions…

But, then I got to thinking about it some more. I did some research (read about some of it here or this funny tale here). I asked around to those who do use adult diapers or know those who do. I decided that an adult diaper was the way to go. Just in case. I did some shopping for diapers. I could not find any that told me how much liquid an average diaper could hold. I read, “extra volume” and “holds for 12 hours” but no one mentioned if I could drink my 2.2 liters of recommended water and use only one diaper.

It didn’t matter because I could not wear it. It was too itchy. The “material” is made of the same material used for disposable underwear. Too itchy around the edges. The pads would be the solution. But, I still had no idea how much liquid it could hold. For those who do not know about adult incontinence pads, they are built with a substance that absorbs the liquid and turns it into a gel. Sort of as if you were building a small wall or brick. And that is a bit what it feels like.

To relieve my curiosity, I did an experiment. In the sink. I filled my daily water jug with water and poured it into the adult “pull up” underwear. I poured slowly as to avoid spillage. It held. I also tested the pad. It held. But it seemed like it would be uncomfortable.

So I went on safari without a solution. I think that safari places should take a pop-up seat along for the women. Or maybe I should take my own next time.

In the end, we could ask for a toilet stop or wait till the break. During the breaks, we could find a bush. I did not wander far off like some of the others. I just went to the other side of the jeep. This seemed a good idea to me for several reasons — I didn’t randomly touch some bush. I wasn’t in the bush with wild animals. And, I was still in the “profile” protection of the jeep (read my safari article to see why that is important).

All in all, I did not drink as much water as I normally would. Despite the heat and the bumpy rides. I tried to do all my hydration from 8:30 am when we got back for breakfast.

Why Americans Don’t Use Bidets

When in Rome? In ancient Rome, they used a rag on the end of a stick instead of toilet paper (one of the possible reasons for the phrase, “getting hold of the wrong end of the stick” — the other origin of the phrase may derive from 19th century printing press when the letters were placed in a stick and backwards — so if you got hold of the wrong end of the stick, you would not comprehend the sentence).

Toilet and bidet in Rome.

Modern Roman toilets look much as they do in other parts of the world, but the flush handle is usually a button on the wall. Another thing is that Roman toilets include a bidet (“bee-DAY” or “beh-day”). The bidet is basically a bathtub for your nether parts. It looks like a toilet bowl and to use it, you back down on it, wash yourself, and then dry yourself using a towel (hence why there is a towel rack nearby). The cultures that do use a bidet consider those that don’t, a bit baffling, as they wonder why one would only use paper to clean up a sticky situation?

In the middle east and Indian subcontinent, people use “the mechanical action of the left hand” instead of toilet paper. Many of these countries also have a “bidet shower” — a spray hose. In my apartment in Bangladesh, there was a spray hose near the toilet instead of toilet paper. The water pressure on the ones in my apartment had the force of a power wash, but I was told that it was to clean off my left hand, not for direct application. The bidet shower, or spray hose, is also used in Finland and Estonia, according to Wikipedia. The Japanese of old times used a stick to clean the backside but now they have electronic toilets with sprayed water and air, both warmed. Japanese toilets also can include a heated seat and “politeness” music.

The average American uses 50 pounds of toilet paper every year. Many countries do not use toilet paper. Many Catholic countries use water rather than paper, or a combination of the two. Also, considering how much paper and water flush toilets waste, perhaps the bidet shower is the way of the future? In terms of wasting resources getting rid of our waste, the city of Los Angeles spends four million dollars each year unclogging toilet paper from their sewers. In many countries, one can’t flush toilet paper down the toilet. In Peru, one puts the toilet paper in a trash can next to the toilet.

Can you tell that I’m writing a book about toilets? Due to the pandemic, toilet paper has been on our minds — a lot. I have actually been interested in toilets from a cultural viewpoint for quite a while, as toilet habits have been a bit different in many of the countries where I have lived. Going to the toilet is one of those things that people don’t talk about too much, but it is that one thing that we all do, and affects culture, from water usage, home construction, art, language, religion, and customs.

One of the many memes I collected during 2020’s toilet paper hunt.

Back to the bidet. The bidet means “little horse” in French and refers to the straddling position one assumes when using it. The bidet was popularized in France in the 18th century, supposedly much used by the French prostitutes. The British considered the French to be hedonistic, and therefore their bidets to be hedonistic. Americans of those times followed British customs and this is, supposedly, why Americans do not use bidets. But, I know more and more who are installing Japanese toilets and bidet toilets in their homes. Like in the ad below, perhaps it will become a thing in the new American toilet. Freedom Toilets?

Will the modern American toilet include a bidet?

The Bare Necessities – When You Gotta Go

a-WWqFFzJQsa8iEzZO52pQrTkNOZFDv5ULekHEXZca_HAU13qcsxYjF24xr8yuGzVGUFVHqEGFZtdrzHS6S_FZa6u765gtIXtSBbf1uahgeo39OEEzOl7APFP_v6ufy4yft-y1WAcJKPrhyosd3CvalgMHwBW-rXzIC2Rc20vLTDJQjyK0KuxlfiH9One of the “joys” about traveling is always looking for the bathroom/restroom/WC/toilet. Sometimes traveling seems like The Great Toilet Hunt. The photo from my day shopping local in Nassau shows a little outhouse with a big name. I think I would have gone with “manse” or “palace” just for the hyperbole.

Gotta go. More anon.